To Be Honest ≠ Best Results

To be honest, you're my best friend in the world. You know me better than anyone, and you always make me feel valuable, even at my lowest of lows.

To be honest, I think of you as my brother. I look up to you. I use you as a role model in tough situations. I admire you.

To be honest, I have a fear of disappointing you. The naturopath told me that I am not the cause of any person's disappointment ever, but I still have this fear.

To be honest, I don't like her, but you already know that. I know that I'm biased because the past history of resentment between her and I, but it's more than that. I don't like how she doesn't respect you, your family, or your friends.

To be honest, it sometimes makes me sick when I think of how you put up with her. She treats you like shit, and yet you don't try to stop her. I don't understand what you see in her, and I probably never will.

To be honest, I'll probably never approve of the two of you. I'd like to think that if you ever got married, that you would ask me to be your best man, but if you married her, I know you wouldn't ask because keeping a fiancée happy at the wedding is more important than coddling your friend's ego.

To be honest, I'd try my best to be happy for you if you decide that she's "the one." I'd swallow my resentment, and put a smile on for you. I've never been good at lying to you, but that wouldn't stop me from trying. Maybe you'd even accept my effort and let sleeping giants lay.

To be honest, I simply want you to be happy. The question of whether or not what makes you happy is what is best for you is non-applicable.

To be honest, I'll probably never be able to tell you any of this to your face because I'm am hopelessly terrible at serious face to face communication.
To be honest...



Okay, so I am much beyond being over-tired while I'm writing this. There is this little voice inside my head that is telling me not to write this, not to publish this, not to even complete the thought. I'm ignoring it. Oh well! Now I challenge you, reader, to think of your own "to be honest..."



Peace and good night!

Musing

Sometimes, I need to leave. Sometimes, I need to live. Sometimes, I need to stop placidly living my life and start experiencing my life.





I'd rather travel and celebrate Carnival in Rio under the setting sun. Perhaps I'll run away to Australia, strip my clothes, and swim in the Great Barrier Reef. I want to climb the mountains of Tibet and India, and see the countless strings of prayers flags strung up and tattered in the Himalayan winds. Maybe I'll backpack across the countryside of Italy and crawl through Rome to the Vatican. I'd like to spend late nights swapping stories in a pub in London. I want to taste the exotic seafood of the Mediterranean. Someday I'll enjoy coffee and a baguette in a cafe in Paris after scaling the Eiffel Tower. I want to be in the Pride Parades of New York, San Francisco, Toronto, And Manchester. I want to gawk at the ancient and sprawling cathedrals of Europe. 

Perhaps I could do it all in a hundred years, or a thousand. Not in the time I have can it be done. It isn't what I need to do. It is what I want to do. Can it hurt to dream?

The Truth Is...

The is I let you down. I hurt you. I didn’t want to, but that didn’t stop me. I never should have done it.

The truth is I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Commitment scares me. It makes me feel trapped.

The truth is my reasons were bull, but I needed to say something. I needed some way to let you know. I needed some way to make you understand… understand and hate me.

The truth is I feel awful about it. It may not have been easy, but it has been even harder sense then. I can only imagine how it’s been for you. You must hate me, or at least strongly dislike me. Part of me feels that I never should have done what I did, but the same part knows that I can’t go back. Even if I tried, it would never be the same. The part is what made me go though with my actions. It is a part of myself that I despise.

~

It has been said time and time again by many a romantic that, “The truth will set you free.” I don’t agree. The truth is a curse. It is depressing and ugly, but it is also something that must be acknowledged. In short, the truth sucks, but it is better than living a lie.

Mean Girls?

So I'm sitting here being subjected to Mean Girls for the very first time. Every is so shocked that I've never seen it. Can I just say that anyone that watches this can totally see that Lindsay Lohan is headed down a bad road. Once you get over that, it's not actually that bad of a movie. The director manages to fit every stereotype in the flick: "wanna-be hotties, plastics, jocks, sexually active band geeks, gays, art freaks," and every other one.

"So if you're from Africa, like why are you white?" Who says that? And "irregardless" is NOT a word!!!

Peace out!

My Life in a Snap Shot

I already have told it. It was my college admission essay. This is it...

This is it, my moment to shine. For the team and me, the past four months of practice and hard work have led up to this point. Now it’s up to me to make it pay off. It’s the state championship curling finals, and for me, as captain of my team, a win here is the pinnacle of achievement. It’s the last shot of the game, my shot. Do or die. I’ve made the call. I’m standing behind the hack. I focus. I clear my head.

I don’t think about my grades. I have an AP Calculus chapter test to study for this weekend. My AP Statistics homework is in my book bag in the locker room patiently waiting for me to crack it open and finish it off. My saxophone is at home in its case, unopened and untouched. I don’t even recall if I remembered to bring my sheet music home or not. Not to add to the work load, but there is that list of college applications to complete as well.

I don’t think about my other co-curricular activities. Next week, I have pep band. I believe it is one of the last ones for the basketball season. State chess is coming up soon; I have this gut feeling that it’s going to be so much fun. I’m not expecting to do exceedingly well because it is a hobby I just picked up. As for Green Team, we’re so close to having enough money for the solar panel system for the school. In only a few more months, it will be a done deal. A win today would make up for not being able to play soccer anymore. A few concussions too many and the doctors suddenly have their undergarments twisted saying things like, “No more contact sports.”

I don’t think about the people I love. My mom, and her mom, is sitting behind the glass with the rest of the anxious spectators. They’re probably more nervous right now than I am. My best friend is sitting back there too. He’s been watching, scrutinizing every call I make and every shot I throw. A little pang of regret exists there. He’s going to college in the fall, and I’m not. If my grandfather had been here, sitting back in those stands, he would have been so proud. He taught me to curl, the game and the strategy. He is my greatest hero. This shot is for him.

I clear this all from my head in the time it takes for my two teammates to clear their stopwatches, ready their brooms, and take their positions on either side of me. I don’t think. I slide out flawlessly, a perfect demonstration of years of practice. I release the stone. It’s dead on. It’s perfect. Before even the stones stop moving, I’m half sliding, half running down the ice with my fists in the air. My team and I embrace. I couldn’t have done it without the four of them. I glance back at the end result of my shot. I grin to myself. This is my moment to shine.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

This is a great question, well maybe not so specifically sharks, but the meaning behind it? Why do people have irrational fears? My response to the questions posed here is two fold.

First, are fears rational? Obviously not, but that immediately demands that a second question most be answered. Why do people have irrational fears. As for each individual person with their individual fears, a general, definitive, all-encompassing answer does not exist. While a fear of sharks is relatively common, it, in most instances, can be written off as an effect of over-imaginative social media. In fact, so can the fear of spiders, snakes, bats, and all other creatures commonly depicted as dangerous in horror movies. It isn’t to say that is the cause of everyone’s fear of sharks. Hypothetically, a person might fear sharks because of a shark attack. It could happen.

I believe that it is also reasonable to say that not everyone has the same definition of irrational fears. It is probably true that every single person has their own variation on the definition based on their own personal irrational fears. Take me and mine for example. I have a fear of spiders. I hate them, can’t stand them. Just the thought of them gives me the heeby-jeebies. Ugh. Not everyone would consider that irrational though. My mom is afraid of snakes, yet I enjoy them. I consider her fear irrational, but she may have a perfectly good reason for it. What I am basically attempting to say here is that the question of why someone has an irrational fear can only be answered on an individual case by case scale, if it can even be answered at all.

Part two. What deserves our fear? I’d venture to say that anything that disrupts our “happy bubble” is deserving enough. Maybe that is the fear of losing one’s family because of one’s sexuality. No matter how strong or faint the possibility is, it is still a possibility. Maybe it is a fear of failing because a college degree is the ticket to a good job. Or maybe it is a fear of being on the road because one’s little sister got her driver’s license. Actually I’m just kidding about that last one. She lives way to far away for that to be an issue.

Let’s face it. Everyone has their own fears, and those fears only make sense to that particular person. I want you to take a minute and think of what your fears are, and are they rational? Food for thought. I’d also like to point out that I would probably be one of those 450 people that die by falling out of bed. We can add that to the list. Hahaha

Live a little and peace out!